Labrat's Travel Tips

My second trip to the forward thinking, cosmoplitan state of Montana for the Maggotfest rugby tournament was a learning experience and I thought it might be helpful to pass on a few tips.

#1: Huge pink piggy slippers go very well with a Hugh Heffner theme and get you many a compliment. Not as effective for meeting women as going dressed as a blind person, like last year.

#2A: Pants down at a kangaroo court with your team atrracts little attention.


#2B: Walking down the main street of the hick town of Missoula at 3am with your pants around your ankles brings attention to you in a negative. For example it could cause a stereotypical hick yank cop to jump a median strip, mount the curb and leap out of his vehicle before it has even stopped and say things like "Boy, do you know I could arrest you right now." "What the hell are you doing with your pants down?" Responding with a statement such as "Sir, I have no excuse for being pants down" somehow keeps you from being dragged to the drunk tank.



#3: Responding to being locked out of your hotel room by writing "U R all CUNTS" in soap on the mirror results in a group bashing the next morning.

#4: Going into a servo with a rookie to get food, hitting him in the back of the head with a sandwich and telling him to pay for it actually works.

#5: Entering the lobby and shocking innocent bystanders by being the drunkest man in Montanna gets you the respect of your fellow tourists.


#6: Being convicted in kangaroo court is not always a bad thing.

#7: Accepting a ride by an obviously drunk local is in retrospect a bad idea. Fuck retrospect, when I saw one of my mates rolling on the road after being a bit too slow to get out of the very crowded pick up truck, it hit me that it was a bad idea.