It all makes sense when you say it out loud - 6

Regular readers and subscribers to the truth,

Those expressing concern regarding my mysterious disappearance several weeks ago can be reassured that I have escaped my captors and returned to the spider hole with only my sensibilities in tatters.

My story started after I had uncovered the Australian Government for their shameless bullshitting to the sheep people to gain popularity prior to elections, budget releases and fuel price increases.

I noticed shortly after I published the story, that the neighbours were ordering a lot more take away than usual and all of it from ASIS Pizza’s. The clicking in my phone had intensified and there seemed to be a shit load more smoke detectors in the spider hole than I remember installing.

On a foggy Tuesday morning I grabbed my bag, pinched Natasha on the ass and left my cosy abode headed for my place of employment. I remember thinking “funny time to have ordered a pizza” when I was struck on the back of the head and bundled into the van.

I drifted in and out of consciousness for an undeterminable period of time. When I finally regained my senses I found myself on my back on a sandy beach. It appeared to be some tropical resort. There was a game of beach volley ball being played a short distance away, children swimming in the clear warm ocean and a myriad of locals enjoying the sunshine.

Stumbling to my feet, I asked several people where I was, but none could speak English. I noticed several dialects, Indonesian, New Guinean & Arabic. Walking through the coconut trees I discovered a small town square. There were several run down shop fronts surrounding a grassed park which had a large familiar shaped blob like statue located in the middle. “This must be some kind of local God” I thought as there were 20 – 30 natives praying to it.

Quietly, as so not to disturb these proud creatures from their worshipping, I moved towards the crowd to get a closer look. “Fuck Me!!!” I exclaimed, I knew that blob looked familiar. It was a 12 foot tall bronzed statue of Amanda Vanstone! I was on Nauru!!!! Bloody Bloody Bastards! They have stuck me in a fucking refugee camp! Looking at my fist which had become clenched in rage I noticed a Tattoo “Terror Threat – Never to be Released”

I turned and ran. I bolted past the “free use of non motorised watercraft and snorkelling equipment” sign, through a game of coconut beach footy, tripped over one of the hundreds of sand chairs, in and out of numerous suppressed downtrodden refugees, lying on the beach in the sun, drinking strange drinks out of half pineapples. I remember thinking “look at these poor souls that society has turned its back on”… They have only the most basic of clothing (Mambo board shorts and Roxy Bikini’s) stuck on a south pacific island with no access to jet skis or scuba equipment. Will human kind never learn?

I stumbled into a small insignificant shed. As the door slammed behind me I noticed a timber panel move in the wall. On further inspection I discovered a secret hutch that contained an odd looking well worn cloth. It appeared to be made of Silk and had strange inscriptions upon it. A tag in the bottom corner of the cloth said “Property of the Australian Government”. THE CLOAK OF CORE PROMISIES!!! I couldn’t believe it… The stories were true, a cloak that takes items that appear to be solid and makes them disappear!

I threw the cloak over my head and checked the dusty mirror - no reflection. IT WORKS! I quietly walked out to the only jetty on the island and waited. 2 days later a ferry arrived, brining bare essentials to the island for the refugees (vodka, Limes, Cocktail umbrellas, sun screen etc). I boarded the ferry and hid in a life boat. 3 days later I was hitching back to the spider hole from Cairns.