Skanks We Love - Part 5

Part 5 - Lindsey Lohan

Ah now here is a Skank how is identified by the scientific name, Wannabeus decentactress. This specimen is well known for her lack of originality in her acting. As a matter of fact, is there a movie that she has been in that is NOT a remake? I recall a recent award night where good ol' LL was asked by Marshall (I am a tough white man wanna be black man) Mathers, if her next remake will be that of 'One Night in Paris'. One can only hope. That alone will probably provide better acting then all her previous movies combined.

Lindsey, part of the Hollywood Skank Gang ran by Queen Paris herself, is one of the Skanks who is easily spotted in a crowd. She is the one mimicking someone else.

Firstly, sorry sweetness, you have freckles. Now I have seen photographs, watched your music videos (1 minute at most), seen previews for your movies (as much pain as I could stand) and note that you have had some poor bastard touch up every single frame to make you 'unblemished'. I am sorry sweetness, who the fuck are you kidding? You have more spots then a Jumbo Size Dot to Dot book!!

Second, get off the fucking road. Hitting a car then running into a shop that handles only very expensive merchandise does not suggest that some unknown 'papparazzi' was after you. And if so, he should have his head read. Like the rest of us, give us a year or two, once you are punted from kids movie remakes and I am sure you will be showing your tits to the world as some well digital rendered centrefold.

Speaking of which, your tit shot was appalling. Your poor attempt for publicity (around the same time as friend, Queen Paris, was copping signficant limelight) was lame at best.

This specimen is living and current proof that Hollywood is not fully of drop dead babes, just people who can make a Skank that you could scoop off any houso skank into a skank princesses.

F.W.A.N.F.F - Part 3

Would you please welcome the newest addition to the Fuckers who are not Fucken Funny Hall of fame.

I know, I know…..You can’t believe it took this long for this germ to get the true recognition he deserves. WELL FINALLY THE WAIT IS OVER!..... ROVE MCMANUS COME ON DOWN ASS CLOWN!

This testicle is about as funny as a toddler with a box of Ratsack. What is it. The idiotic grinning smug Macauley Culkin look-a-like face you wanna smash with a cricket bat? The Dildonic questions, flirting and attempts to charm ‘lightweights” like the Veronicas?
Perhaps the other useless sidekick cunts on his show? The 10 Logies he’s won and then saying “fuck” in his acceptance speech. WOO HOO. What a fucken badboy! (lets face it, only teenage girls and pensioners vote on this shit – so you must be really proud)? Such ‘Hilarious’ segments as “WHAT THE….”? His moon head cancer victim survivor wife who he wheels out for some cheap publicity and sympathy? The quizzical odd stares and looks?.. I better stop…I’m punching keys through the bottom of my keyboard…..Deep breaths…. Be the tree…

It’s for all these reason and more. I’m sure you all have your own little reasons.

FUCKEN NOT FUNNY CUNT! FUCK RIGHT OFF!

Poker Extravaganza

Numbers are looking encouraging for tomorrow night's first annual B.E.A.T. Texas Hold Em Poker Tournament being held after the game in the clubhouse starting at approx. 6.30

Entry fee will be $20 and money raised will go to the prize pool and to the B.E.A.T End of Season trip

Ring-ins, friends, and family are more than welcome, so drag them along too if you wish. Rumour has it, Rockape/Uday Hussein will be bringing his brother Qusay Colliver along, and maybe even his fajer Sadaam himself if we are lucky!

Any other enquiries please see the end of season trip organising committee or club captains

See you all tomorrow

F.F.S - Part 3

A picture says a thousand words. This one says "Get a giant magnet and drag me to the Simpson Desert and bury me up to my neck and let the ants and scorpions have a feast."

LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE !!!!!!!

FOR FUCKS SAKE..........

It all makes sense when you say it out loud - 4

Dear searchers of the truth,

I recently received a call from Father Feelya, a dried up and withered man of the cloth. He claimed to have important information and concerns regarding the youth of Australia and asked to meet me in the darkened alley beside the Ori in Springwood at midnight. After I politely told him to fuck off (I wasn’t falling for that one again…) we decided that we should hook up in a more public spot. He told me he had intercepted a top secret document and thought that it needed me to fully investigate it.

Upon reading the document, (fully expecting it to contain his happy snaps of naked under aged borders from Barker and Kings Colleges) it appears that Hillsong Church has decided to go all Jones Town and meet their supposed maker en mass, arsenic cordial style.

Speaking of Christ, let me start by stating that Jesus supposedly died for each of us (except not for the homosexuals, communists, blacks, witches, Asians, life insurance salesmen, Buddhists, buskers, Hindus, Moslems, stage magicians, Hare Krishnas, Scientologists, puppeteers, astrologers, kkklansmen, referees, al Meditationists, informercial producers, Jehovahs' witnesses, health food store owners, Mormons, Pagans, Hulk Hogan, Gasnier, Wiccans, advertising executives, Roman Catholics, lawyers, mime artists, people who wash windows at traffic lights, atheists, politicians and anyone selling Amway - but he died for EVERYONE else). The bible is perfectly clear on this. This over published misinterpreted waffling piece of ancient text is shite. The plot has more holes in it than the Jew king when he was up on the cross. Let me condense it for you - "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT". Write this in the cover of your own personal bible and rip out all of the pages and bin them. It will save an enormous amount of time. However, I digress....

The fact that 30,000 pretty young things from the Hills district are soon to be shuffling off this mortal coil concerned me not - investigation closed. Falling into no less than 6 of the above exempted categories, I have never felt the need to embrace the dual edged sword of religion. The closest I ever came to considering a life of purity and enlightenment was Christmas 1976 when I prayed my ass of for a G.I Joe. (Both Santa and Jesus are hope and dream crushing cunts.)

It does however pose the question of the value of a human life.

Ask almost anybody this question and you will get some tree hugging regurgitated bollocks about how life has value beyond any monetary calculation. I am here to tell you that's crap.

By my calculation the value of most human beings is in the vicinity of a couple of bucks at most. There's a few ways to calculate this but the answer is always of the same order of magnitude. First there is the cost of the raw materials. We've probably all seen the calculations on the internet - so much carbon, iron, calcium, water and the like that go to make up a human body.

A second way of calculating the value of human life is thus: two minimum wage teenage losers spend about 10 minutes fumbling around in the back seat of a stolen 1972 Datsun 180B, and the result is a baby. If their time is worth $5.00 an hour (each) I figure that the human life they create is worth approximately $1.67. If each of the people involved earns 10 times that amount, throw in a couple of post coital cigarettes, we are still talking about less than 20 bucks. This raises another question, is Kerry Packers children worth more than yours or mine? The answer is obviously hell yeah.

TAB Corp have the odds for the existence of god at 13-1. Natasha has a lazy $50.00 each way...

Skanks We Love - Part 4

Part 4 - Gretel Killeen

This has been a long time coming. This girl is without no doubt a specimen that is well recognised as the Queen of 'Mutton Dressed as Lamb'. Seriously folks, I know there is some supremo mutton out there (and will eventually be reported on) but Grets is what 60 years old, bleached hair, flabby tits and has a wardrobe assistant that dresses her like a 16 year old and a make up artist that has a part time job of rendering brick walls.

People, I apologise. This Skank I don't even love. I cannot stand her. In fact, I recommend that she be shot with balls of her own shit!!. Her voice is like the scratching a blackboard, rubbing a balloon, strangling a cat and listening to a squaking fucking seagull at the same time. Honestly I could get that clipboard she carries and ram in sideways up her arse. The only problem is that I think this Skank has been around the traps for that many years it would not cause any adverse reaction at all.

Mother Mutton, though not the Queen of all Skanks (reserved for sweet Paris) has certainly the experience and qualification to be at least part of the Skank Jedi Council. Look, she repulses me so much that as soon as the tune for that fucking show of retards comes on I cannot change the channel quick enough, even at the expense of watching some trim tittie bouncing around. Fuck it, it is not worth the drama.

Look Grets you busted arse boiler, firstly you are not 20, not 30, hell you are not even 40. Though you may be surrounded by 14 year old teeny boppers, you are well over the hill and well, lets just say I am guessing your day of bits and pieces being trim and firm are all but over.

You should also, without delay, book in at to a plastic surgeon. One without any qualification will do. Get them to firstly remove your voice box then that fucking wannabe hair do. Perhaps you may wanna get a refund from the surgeon who originally done your sex change to start off with.

Personally you would have looked more at place sitting in a pub in Mount Druitt then you do trying to be a wanna be sitting at a cafe in Bondi. Last of all, learn to fucking speak on television without putting on that ridiculous squinting smile. You look like some smiling Japenese tourist in every photo I have found.

This Skank also enjoys Poke'mon. For those not familiar with this term, it is a Skank who likes to 'train' their toyboy. Grets little Pikachu is Saxon. You may remember him from a past Big Brother who was well renown for fucking crying, as well as being 20 years younger. Goes to reinforce the rumour I heard a few times now that she enjoys a bit of S&M. Grow the fuck up you mole, he will soon switch on (if he hasn't already) and once again you will be on your own with your 20 cats.

In a nut shell learned students, even the Skank species have their lesser, more vile sub-specicies. This is one. Not worth any further comment really. Gretel, get the fuck off my television!!

What the fuck happened?

I just read that Green lost to Mundine. Can one of you cunts explain how this happened if Smoth hasn't killed you all then swallowed a bullet?

The Monster vs The Fairy

Once upon a time a womens rugby team travelled to Byron Bay to compete in the rugby 7s tournament. Travelling with them was their team mascot "The Fairy" dressed in his favorite pink tutu. I must interupt the story here to explain that usage of the word "fairy" is an understatement, and far too masculine a word to describe this pathetic, fully camp, tiny homo who probably doesnt have the strength to pull his pants down, much less push his dick up some other fags arse! - But I digress. - Anyway, also at Byron that weekend were the evil "Blueys Elbow Action Tour - Pirates". These villans were the terror of the sea. Or would have been - if they had of left the pub long enough to discover that Byron Bay is actually on the coast. But again, I digress. After pillaging and plundering for a full weekend and somehow miraculously making the final of the Plate, or cup or bowl, or whatever the hell it was (did I mention we were drunk?). The mighty B.E.A.T team faced up to the other blokes who made the final of the thing we were playing for (really, really drunk). After much abuse and disparaging of the oppositions ancestry, half time was called. (This is seriously how I remember the game!). Just as the court jester was about to blow his magical trumpet to signal kick-off for the second half, out leaps the brave Fairy! come to announce to the world that he was (even further) out of the closet! Making a snap decision he prances gaily and minces hurridly across the center of the field of combat. Unbeknownst to him the giant "Monster" had sensed his presence and was stirring in his lair.
As the Fairy cavorted with arms flailing, the monster struck! Launching to the attack the Monster smashed the absolute fucking bejesus out of the Fairy, sending him flying through the air to impact heavily upon the ground. And every homophobe lived happily ever after.
AUTHORS NOTE - I have no idea what the final score was, but I'm pretty sure we won because
1 - we didn't head straight to the pub at full time.
2 - Dazzler got a check from somewhere and we had free piss for a bit.

If you listen carefully you can hear the announcer say "It's the only tackle he's done all weekend, but it's a good one!"




Disclaimer - No real men were harmed in the making of this film.

It all makes sense when you say it out loud - 3

Dear Searchers of the Truth

I'm really excited by George Bush's reason for bombing Iraq: he's run out of patience. And so have I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of houses down the street from my secret spider hole.

Actually, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

I can’t go to the police. They will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and bollocks about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security.

George makes it clear that all he needed to know before bombing Iraq is that Bin Laden is a "really nasty man" and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.

How will George know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps George needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for George to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. Natasha says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President of the free world, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws, rugby referees, Eddie McGuire and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to blow a new valley into the side of the Blue Mountains. It's just as same as what George W. Bush has proposed - and, in contrast to what he's done, my policy will destroy only a couple of streets.

PS. Natasha sends her love!

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

Fucking fag movie.

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Legend of the Week

This week without doubt goes to Aaron 'ManPig' McGhee. Following the initial collapse of the 1st Grade 'bonding' experience at the Waratahs game Saturday night, Pig swindled us a deal late in the week which saw us able to watch the game in the Wallaby Bar in front of the big screen in Sydney with ridiculously easy bar access within 5 metres. In what can only be described as 'The Deal of the Century', the Manager of the Bar promised if we could drink the $200 we had raised for the bar tab for the evening, he would OPEN the bar for the remainder of the match to all Blueys Rugby slop merchants. Needless to say, the 1st XV did the club proud in not only consuming the $200 allocation within the first 2 shouts in a world record 15 minutes, but proceeded to order every drink under the Sun, and then some, with Sonny Bill and co ordering drinks I had never even heard of which saw everyone drinking shots like water, and the final 'bill' after 80 minutes of football resembling well in excess of 2 GRAND! Yes, in just over an hour and a half, the boys had consumed over $2000 worth of free piss! So thanks Ploggity and thanks Wallaby Bar for what was an unbelievable 'Double Hour of Power'!!!! You will forever live in Blueys Rugby folklore.

Warney's Spin Twins

Shane Keith Warne, a recidivist victim of being in the limelight for his "sex addiction"

Seriously if that is an addiction, tell me one male who is not!!

And he has done it again. This time though he has been caught with two chicks. Emma Kearney and Coralie Eichholtz. Most would nearly go as far as saying he is a legend.


Typical though. Those fucking pompus geezer teeth poms are once again attempting to taint the name of the Spin Legend. Sore losing gits.

Points of concern.

1. Warney you box head, wasn't the fact that a computer was on and you were forced to stay in a specific area enough to tell you that something was not right (ok accepted that with two chicks, who is really thinking straight)

2. What's doing with the Playboy undies?

3. What's doing with the good sort with the inflated penis?

But all in all, fuck it. Who cares if it is in the paper, it is just proof that he tapped two chicks and in my book, that is tops!!

And to you arrogant, pompus, snivelling pommy twats who wanted to ruin the mans reputation. Well done fuckwits. Once again in the midst of your sloppy fucking writing, he gets his best figures, 7 for 99 only a few hours after you sprayed this over the press.

Aussie Haka

I so wish I had of thought of this. It's pure comedy gold!

It all makes sense when you say it out loud - 2

Dear fellow searchers of “The Truth”. I have disturbing news to report from the front.

As you all know, I recently left the comfortable “womb like” surrounds of my secret spider hole to travel to the nation’s capital. My mission? To expose Canberra as the filthy Satan worshipping cesspit it really is. A reliable source (Secret Agent Orange) informed us earlier of the political shinanigans being carried out in Parliament (refer post conspiracy follow up). I soon found out that apparently for years, the Government has been luring normal hardworking people into the Territory and using a mind numbing technology far more advanced than anything we had ever seen, and a chicken, turning these once sane individuals into Zombies! Yes Zombies…..

I know, I know. The idea of zombies has been poo poo’d and dismissed as a fairy story,(as was the Boogie Man, Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter), fabricated to keep the young’ns in bed, however I have escaped the clutches of these zombies with unequivocal proof that all 350,000 people living in the ACT brain consuming maniacs.

The Story:
Back in 1984 ASIO were working closely with MI5 to try and undermine the Thatcher Government. Apparently Maggie, after returning from a junket in Haiti had begun crippling the country’s workforce to create massive unemployment and poverty akin to a 3rd world country.

As it turns out, she had been Zombified® during her trip but was cunning enough to realise that in times of extreme hardship, missing children are a blessing not a tragedy. (Young brains are better to eat for the zombies because they haven’t been filled with shit).

In 1986, MI5 finally caught the black hearted slapper, threw a stunt double at the UK, and shipped the potty mouthed bitch in a capsule (not unlike a coffin) to the Antarctic.

At the same time Malcolm Frasers political career died when he was found wandering the Memphis Hotel without any pants on. It was bundled up in a coffin and was to be sent home. In a horrible mix up at the Australian RAAF Base in Hong Kong, Mals career was sent to the Antarctic and Maggie found her self in Canberra.

When the capsule was opened in a laboratory deep in the bowels of Russel Offices, a poisonous gas consumed the room and escaped through the air conditioning vent. This happened during a thunderstorm, and those that have seen return of the living dead can guess the outcome….. yep, the people exposed to the rain became zombies and went on an eating spree.

The photos contained herein prove without doubt that the capital is well and truly fucked. Our official recommendation, fence it off and flood it.

Authors Note:
Natasha Stot Despoja was found alive and well. She has been rescued from the evil clutches of zombiedom and has moved into the spider hole :-)

Poor Little Goat Lover

This story has only recently appeared in the media, largely due to the fact that all the reporting types have been busily trying to felch a couple of inbreds from Tassie. And the fact that no-one seems to care about some kooris being lost at sea for 22 days.

Prisoners barred from saving semen
New South Wales Premier Morris Iemma says prisoners will no longer be able to have semen taken for future use after revelations a gang rapist jailed for the same crime as Bilal Skaf had his frozen at taxpayers' expense.
The ban will apply to all prisoners guilty of serious offences, including murder, rape, incest, child abduction and terrorism-related activities.
Mr Iemma also says the Government will no longer pay for the storage of specimens from prisoners guilty of less serious crimes.
"I am repulsed by the practice and the distress that it has caused victims and their families," he said.
"We're going to put an end to it.
"As far the specimens that have already been taken, if they want the storage they pay for it themselves."
_____________________

Who the fuck said that these cunts had the right to procreate! And what sort of brain-dead Thalidomide sufferer let them do it at tax payer expense! Jesus H Fucking Christ Almighty these filthy leb cunts should have been strung up by their nuts and left to rot!
___________________
This was from another article:
The gang rapist, 22, never told prison authorities his sperm was to be stored. He only sought treatment for cancer.
The cancer -- Hodgkin's disease -- was diagnosed a month after he was jailed with Bilal Skaf in October 2002 for the gang rapes of young women across Sydney's southwest.
The man's sperm sample was frozen before he began chemotherapy and he cried when told the treatment would leave him sterile.
_____________________
Poor fucking Didums! Had a bit of a cry did we? I hope you die an excruciatingly painful death you chromosome deficient goat fucker! How dare you think you have any rights in a country you readily denounce,while claiming allegiance to a country you've probably never even been to, let alone born in. You cunts can all go and get fucked!
NOTE: If you were born in this country and talk with an accent that isnt Australian "strine", then its time to go back to whatever third world country you think you're from. Once you get there try and convince the locals that you're really one of them. Hopefully they'll beat you to fucking death you stupid cunt!

Skanks We Love - Part 3 (Supplemental)

Part 3 Supplemental - Lara Bingle

Well, this type of species is showing further evidence that she is no doubt a Skank.

This is taken from a report from Logies night.

"THE talk among the bleary-eyed masses checking out of Logies HQ yesterday was rumours of a liaison between CSI star George Eads and Cronulla chick Lara Bingle.They were "all over each other" backstage prior to presenting an award together - that was until a Channel Nine staffer gently reminded the star yank that Bingle was just 18 - more than 20 years his junior. Eads backed off."

Keep going you shire dwelling skank. Love your work.

Conspiracy Follow up

Right on Brother Buckerz.
My sources (code name deep throat. HAHAHA!) have blown the lid right off and provided the proof for what we thought, all along.
If it looks like a dog, acts like a dog and smells like a dog...well guess what.

A picture paints a thousand words

Here's 4

AND STAY OUT CUNT!!!!!

The conspiracy report - part 1

As you all know, I heavily subscribe to the conspiracy theory and folks, let me let you in on a little secret: Australians are dumb. Stupid. Ignorant. Bigoted. For years the sheep have been selectively breeding us into a race of gormless cretins. David Oldfield is their Anakin Skywalker. I should point out that I'm not saying every occupant of this scorched rock is stupid. There are rare flashes of brilliance like Darryl Somers, but sadly they don't make good press. If it's counter-intuitive the masses will flush it like a bad case of post-curry diarrhoea. What I AM talking about is the faceless masses so busy with leading their pointless little lives that they don't have time to think. Ever. About ANYTHING.

Now before you startprotestin, let me explain….

Is it coincidence that the earth quake that rocked the small town Beaconsfield, Tasmania happened exactly 35 seconds after the cheese eating surrender monkeys (Le French) let a test nuke off its leash in the upper Tasman Sea? This test was never reported by the so called authorities because the walking eyebrow encrusted wart and his tea lady Howard and Downer couldn’t negotiate the cease of Nuke testing in our backyard.

So, the earthquake hits and those below 1km are lost. This is a real tragedy and will not be played down in this forum.

Now, lets back track a little….

The year – 1997. The place Thredbo.

A massive mudslide takes out a large portion of residential property. Many people lost their lives that night. The nation camped out the front of retravision stores all over the country (no one could afford television sets, nor the electricity to run them) glued to the TV in a state of shock. The liberal party having just been elected required a spin to take the heat off their about to be delivered budget, so they find, rummaging through someones garbage, an out of work ski instructor, plant him amongst the rubble and claim to have found a survivor. The nation cheers, the budget is delivered un-opposed.

The year – 2005. The place Iraq

The Liberal government have been under massive pressure to justify their existence in Iraq. The coalition of the greedy have lied their way into the middle east in an attempt to secure large swallow of the Arabs crude. Knowing that the popularity of the government has fallen since a number of children went for a dip off an illegal fishing boat, and that there was a real opportunity to increase the price of petrol at home, they sent for the doctors of spin to once again save their bacon. Enter that sad (God Bless America!!) sack of shit, child molesting Douglas Woods. Anyone that has spent time being interrogated by the axis of evil is not coming out the other end 125 kilos and with all of their digits intact.

So here we are on the eve of another budget. Petrol prices at an all time high and interest rates on the move. Coincidence that we have ourselves another feel good moment? I think not. Plants my friends, plants… Government stooges looking for the quick buck supported by a town that knows the truth but see an opportunity be put on the map thus increasing the land value, before the whole town is swallowed by mine subsidence.

It all makes sense when you say it out loud.........