It all makes sense when you say it out loud - 3

Dear Searchers of the Truth

I'm really excited by George Bush's reason for bombing Iraq: he's run out of patience. And so have I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of houses down the street from my secret spider hole.

Actually, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

I can’t go to the police. They will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and bollocks about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security.

George makes it clear that all he needed to know before bombing Iraq is that Bin Laden is a "really nasty man" and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.

How will George know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps George needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for George to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. Natasha says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President of the free world, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws, rugby referees, Eddie McGuire and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to blow a new valley into the side of the Blue Mountains. It's just as same as what George W. Bush has proposed - and, in contrast to what he's done, my policy will destroy only a couple of streets.

PS. Natasha sends her love!