It all makes sense.....7

Dear loyal readers.

Many of you have sent emails concerned about the speed in which this year has gone and want to know if it is one of the effects of global warming making the earth spin more rapidly, or whether the recent global jump day has tilted the world too far out of orbit and sent us hurtling towards to the Sun.

FOR FUCK SAKE! If the year was going quicker we would be forever adjusting our watches.

However, August is around the corner which means that once again Christmas is almost here. Decorations and seasonal music will be appearing in our department stores any day now. As we rush headlong toward this, the second most holy day of the Christian calendar, my thoughts turn to the true meaning behind the Yule, the message of absolute joy guaranteed by my eternal Lord and master: ”SUBMIT OR SUFFER IN EXCRUCIATING AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP”.

Well, this is probably not the way most of the theological brethren would choose to articulate the spirit of Christmas, but they have always been a bunch of namby-pamby apologists, watering down the word of God.

This Christmas I want you all to drop all the evil Pagan ceremonies that have corrupted the true spirit of Christ’s birth. Much of what we call Christmas is pale echoes of the orgiastic pagan winter solstice festival. The decorated Christmas tree, the giving of gifts, the mistletoe, Satan Claus, these things are not Christian at all, but stale left-overs from a less enlightened era. What the world needs now is some more sombre and pious way of celebrating our dear Savior’s birth. Below are some of my suggestions.

In the times of Jesus, a single criminal was set free each year by the Romans. I propose we do the same thing here. Each year, one prisoner who has found enlightenment will be released. However, I would take this one step further, and lock up one "innocent" man or woman. Someone we all hate should suffer in their place. Maybe place the wart encrusted eyebrow Howard or his tea lady Downer in stocks, around inner city back alleys, where they will be urinated on by passing winos and rugby tourists.

Lock up store managers who insist their employees deck themselves in the traditional Baal worshipping colours of red and green. Impound all the festive tree decorations, and burn any Christmas cards which do not depict the miraculous virgin birth.

Heavily armoured death squads would roam the shopping centers executing on sight any hapless pre-pubescent buskers engaged in the making of music of an atheistic nature (jingle bells, white Christmas and rudolph will all have to go I'm afraid).

City commuters would be forced to leave their cars at home and drag large wooden crosses (luggage strapped to modified roof racks) to the north coast for the holiday period to give them an insight into the suffering Jesus endured for all.

Maybe, just maybe, with these changes implemented, we, the filthy atheists who have lost sight of all things pure and good will finally be saved.

Next week: Gasnier – The real Santa, or just another fuckhead child molester dressed in Red and White????