Legends of the Week

Whilst watching a current affairs program this morning, I saw some old, pompus, new age bitch claim that ANZAC day is becoming a day where we cheer about going to war and being a day that encourages us to go to war. Sit down, shut up and never say a fucking word again you dumb bitch.

It is only right that Legend of the Week becomes Legends of the Week.

It goes to every single man and woman, who has gone to war. In particular to every soul who gave their life just so we could be free.

To those out there who whinge, whine, complain, want to change something because it is racist, politically incorrect, or even make Cookie Monster not eat cookies because it encourages obescity. For one day in the year shut the fuck up and think about those poor bastards who did shut up, put up with more shit then we will ever know, fought and died for the only true cause, freedom. To learn that this year there is the first time that no digger from Gallipoli is left is enough to shed a tear. And if you don't, you need a smack in the head.

Lest We Forget

Learn to Drive!!

As a regular commuter on one of the busiest roads in the Sydney Metro area, the M4 Motorway, as well as my occupation allowing me to see some of the......more interesting ways that people drive, I feel that I am suitably qualified to say a few things about drivers.

When I say drivers, I mean the person who drives his/her vehicle in peak times.

In general, they cannot drive!!

Seriously folks, a straight peice of road, approximately 30km in length, no lights, 3 lanes (for most of it)....why the fuck then do we come to a complete fucking stand still? Not to mention that these drivers usually are on this road EVERY day, you would think after a while that they would learn.

1. SUNGLASSES. Unless you have been smacked around the ears so many times that you are completely fucking stupid, the sun rises in the East and goes down in the West. Penrith is in the west and the city is in the east. That means you will be driving into the sun. WEAR SOME FUCKING SUNGLASSES!!. Next time you are on the motorway, have a look how many people don't and as you come around to drive into the sun, watch their reactions. The first thing you see is the squinting of the eyes, followed by the jerking of the head, followed by the automated reaction of slowing down and braking. $20 at any Quicky Mart in the city will get you a pair of UV protection sunnys imbecile.

2. MAKEUP. Ladies and Metros, mirrors in vehicles are not designed for you to apply your makeup.

3. NEWSPAPERS. When you are driving, put the paper down, listen to the radio instead you gimp, they say the same things anyway.

4. LANE JUMPERS. It is because of these cocks trying to get ahead that causes others behind to brake as they squeeze their fat ass into a hole not even big enough to piss in. It is usually the case that they will get ahead in one lane but then that lane will eventually stop and you end up back near them again.

5. COURTESY. When you are in the lane that also merges, how hard is it to let one car in, you go, another car gets in behind you, and so on. No, fucking selfish drivers just keep driving, usually even as the lane ends and they drive in the breakdown lane just to squeeze in one car ahead then the person in front of them.

6. SLOW DOWN PARTNER!. Christ, how much slower can you go? What is wrong in pacing yourself with the car in front, not going fast, nearly running up their ass then braking and causing a gap a mile long. Idiot!

Christ!! This spray could go on, but I have now vented. Surely there are more characteristics I have not identified. Please comment on them and let us all know what to keep a look out for whilst driving on our roads.

Social Commentry

Reading today’s Daily Telegraph I came across a disturbing little piece with regard to this weeks Zoo Magazine featuring Nikki Webster.

Does everyone remember that squawking little pain-in-the-ass Nikki Webster from The Sydney Olympics? Well guess what! Little Nikki’s grown up and got some titties and a bikini and now wants to show us ‘grown-up Nikki.’

Sweetheart, just because you no longer have a music ‘career’, this is no excuse to go out and flaunt yourself just to try and stay in the limelight. Let it go honey. You still look and act about 12, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable seeing you in this get-up (as it should to any self-respecting Male). I don’t like to feel uncomfortable when checking out scantily clad women (and I mean real women) so Fuck off back to the kiddies table for everyone’s sake! Please!

Skanks We Love - Part 3

Part 3 - Lara Bingle

No firstly you may say, "What the fuck??". But after scientific analysis, this specimen has displayed a number of traits which link her directly to the Skank species.

I think when this specimen first appeared on our idiot boxes, walking out of the ocean and saying, "So where the bloody hell are you?" every man had to create a bit of room and adjust their Reg Grundy's.
If you didn't, one word.....fag.

What a top little thing she is. Whilst in my laboratory, I figured there is no point even researching this specimen because how could she be in any way linked to the Skank species. WRONG!

Over the proceeding weeks, with the bullshit ruckus of the poms whinging that 'Bloody' was offensive (their geezer teeth are offensive but we still seem to let this pompus fucks into the country) and then with claims she was going to sue Zoo Magazine for an alleged 'topless' shot, I decided I may conduct some preliminary research and see what I can uncover.

Well, the results are in.

Topless Shots
Firstly the media should be shot with balls of their own shit. OK, she was NOT wearing a top, but when you say topless, you instantly think, TITS ON SCREEN. Not a chance, more tit is seen hanging out of a J-Lo dress then there was in the whole write up. And she was going to sue!!! Well, here lies a trait of the infamous Skank, fucking hypocrite. This specimen of a skank was going to sue Zoo Magazine for some bullshit photograph that she done before she no doubt become the 'Bloody' girl. Probably got fuck all cash and some photograph or publisher got a shot away. Yet on a website for Italian lingerie, this Skank poses showing more skin and more tit though in initial reports she claims she never posed topless before. Sit down Skank, I give you two years and you will have not only shown your tits in a magazine, your home sex movie will be making regular features on this blog site.

SMS Sex
A note to all rugby league players, the brain is that grey mass that is behind your eyes, along side your ears and fills the cavity within your skull, use the fucking thing. Part of creating the Skanks article is to identify traits of the Skank Species do men do not fall into their vicious traps. Take the case of Cronulla player, Greg Bird. Bingle claims that they met only once. BUT since then she has received a number of messages which she would only describe as, "They were just really, really crude messages". Bird, replies by saying there was nothing harassing in the message and that perhaps a mysterious 'third party' sent the messages....FIRE UP!!

Firstly, it is obviously this specimen of a skank was as toey as fuck and no doubt flaunting her tight little package everywhere. No doubt this skank sprayed her scent on young Bird and handed over her number that night and no doubt whispered sweet nothings but then when it came time to deliver, she carries on and goes to the press proving, 1. This Skank loves publicity and relies on being heavenly angel and 2. Unless it involves a football Rugby League players will never fucking learn.

A1 Motorist
What also appears to be a common trait amongst Skanks is their ability to take the simple act of driving and completely fuck it up. Last month, this specimen proved just that. Whilst behind the wheel, this specimen, no doubt so vain that she thinks the mirrors are to used to look at herself, was involved in a "minor accident" where she suffered whiplash and some burns from her seat belt. Oh, did I mention that she ran into a parked car!!! FFS.

So there you have it kids, in short DON'T BE DECEIVED. Here is proof that skanks can have the ability to come across as wholesome, little girl next doors. But in the words of a friend of mine, "She has the I'm the girl next door, come fuck me in the ass look"!!

So here's to you Lara. Well done on being a deceiving, cunning little skank.

F.W.A.N.F.F - Part 2

And you two fuckers ARE NOT FUCKEN FUNNY EITHER!!!
Not even to Children.
I'm glad Cyclone Larry came and killed you bozo's.

'Keep this Assclown in League' Campaign

Straight out of the FFS files this one. I think the media (and of course the dense as fuck St George fans) are the only imbiciles even slightly concerned on whether this monumental tool leaves league and plays union next year. As far as I'm concerned, I reckon we start a petition to keep this boofhead in league so we can watch him choke with the Dragons in every finals series for the remainder of his career. Yes, he may be the best centre in the comp at the moment, but that is only due to the lack of quality three quarters currently in the NRL and the fact that Jamie Lyon is tearing the English Super League to pieces across the other side of the globe. Another of the very over rated variety of gimps to come out of St George (see inevitable sprays on Jason Ryles and Trent Barrett in future weeks), he was embarrassingly exposed as a one dimensional player when given the opportunity to play 5/8 in yet another Barrett absence a few weeks back, where all we saw was this hog tuck the ball under his fucking arm and run in similar scenes to one N Baker of Blueys Rugby. Great five eighth material Nathan Brown! If you're smart, you let him go and spend the money on a decent up and coming player who will play with passion and not for the cash as this leach obviously is, or if you're the ARU, you leave the Waratahs the fuck alone and ship him off to QLD or better still the Western Force where he will fall into the abyss of obscurity similar to Garrick Morgan's failed switch from union to league in 1995. So in your own words Gaz "Fire up cunt" and start doing youre game and club proud instead of umming and fucking ahhing on what you want to do with your career whilst the dollar bills ridiculously go up for your signature at the St George footy club. FFS!!!!

p.s. That head and stupendous jaw alone deserves 5 swift glasses across your face jerk!

PDC Vol 4

Gentlemen, PDC Vol 4 is now in circulation, plus a bonus disc of street fights has also been released. The usual rules apply - which means all of you that still have discs in your possession, you have had ample time to copy them and its time to hand them on. If there are any problems please refer to the PDC Material Rules. Once you have checked the rules you will no doubt realise that you are in the wrong and will immeadiately pass the fucking disc on. Thank You

F.W A.N.F.F - Part 1

Fuckers who ARE NOT Fucken Funny.......

Take a bow Will Anderson, you are the first recipient! Every time I hear this arse bandit on the radio I feel like reaching into the radio grabbing his scrawny neck and repeatedly punching that smug, leering face to pulp. FFS!

Its the same old obvious jokes and innuendo. Old Willy boy starts speaking and as he gets wound up the volume goes up as does the speed of his speech. Just can't wait to get it all out and shit everyone, can you fuckface ?!

Now before I hear you butt in with a "Gee smackdog, this is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black" Two things fuckers (i) I'm serious and (ii) this cunt gets paid!

Curiously he isn't nearly as bad on TV as on the radio. Whatever, you still suck, fucker.

And I bet that chick is presenting him with the New Woman award for most resembling female genitalia.

Stay tuned....

Legend of the Week

Now this is how you do it Martyn! In what I promise to be my last spray of a very lengthy and drawn out cricket season (will it ever end??!!) I have to pay kudos to the 'Best Nightwatchman in World Cricket History', the stonewall of mulleted defence, Mr Dizzy Gillespie.

Yes if you look closer at the stats you will note that he did indeed run out the captain with a current average of a gabillion for a misely 52, and was warned when he made eye contact with Punter as he begrudgingly trudged off the Bangladeshi dust ridden wicket "Get a hundred or you will never play test cricket again", but unlike my favourite Number 4 batsman who has 'unfortunately' returned home this week with a conveniently injured elbow (from Christ knows what - he did fuckall in the 1st test in case you hadnt read my previous post), Dizzy went on with the job and reached triple figures for the first time in his Test career.

Now here's a notion, call me crazy maybe, but considering Dizzy's putridness with the ball in the Ashes last year (he is on the road to forgiveness very slowly), I nominate the mulleted one to ditch the leather ball and don the pads as our new and vastly improved number 4 batsman, replacing you know who. We may have to improve his strike rate a little (100 runs off 300 deliveries) but with a few minor technique changes, I'm confident we've found our answer to the ever failing Martyn, particular in pressure cooker situations. Unfortunately Brad Hodge would again miss out ,which may again see him put on suicide watch, but I recommend Hodgey start rolling the arm over to compensate Gillespie's newly vacated Number 9 spot in the batting order. I promise this issue is closed.........until fucking Martyn fails again in the first test at the Gabba in November!!!!

Vote 1 for Diz

Hicks Bound for Lappo

Millions across the globe this morning were woken to the shocking news that David Hicks has scammed himself a 'get out of jail free card' with a newly acquired British passport. Thousands more in the lower mountains were even more disturbed at the uncanny similarity in his appearance to that of our very own globetrotting monster Mr Nicky Napalm. Here we can see 'Mr Hicks' celebrating this morning alongside his lawyer Paris Hotman Hutepea following his 'escape' from Guantanamo. Rumour has it, he is headed direct for Australia to unleash a wrath of terror on not only our country, but our beloved fortress, the New Lapstone Hotel. Beware this weekend of this absolute pestaphile!!!

Arse-Clown of the Week Update

While these two are arse-clowns from way back, they appear to be breeding. They were spotted on saturday with what could only be described as their love child, huddled together and looking suspicious. Standing in a tight group they were seen to be passing something around. Upon recieving the mysterious object, the recipient then placed it to his mouth and inhaled deeply.
Witnessess to this event were shocked and appalled at the behaviour and sheer stupidity being shown by these three. As adults they should be fully aware that the consequences of their actions would bring down the wrath of all their peers. But by far the most appalling part of this blatant idiocy is the fact that the object in question, was not some form of mind blowing drugs. It was in fact a fucking nicotine inhaler! Thats right, these brain surgeons were handing round a plastic tube like it was a joint. Not to mention the fact that they had cigarettes burning in their hands as well. How fucking hard up for a hit are you, when you have to use a nicotine puffer on top of a smoke. F.F.S.

What the Fuck is Going on over there??!!

Yes we all know, Australia will more than likely get out of this mess with a Gilchrist 200 and a 9 wicket haul from SK Warne in Bangladesh's 2nd innings, but that won't stop me in giving the Australian cricket team the spray they so desperately deserve after 2 diabolical days in the 1st Test against the test cricketing minnows of Bangladesh. Yes, some of you may say, well they thrashed everyone out here in the Australian summer as well as the whitewash of those arrogant imbociles in South Africa, but what the fuck are they currently doing embarrassing our entire country with yet another pitiful display against these useless park cricketers located somewhere near the cave of Osama Bin Laden??!! As SmackDog would say FFS Australia, stop giving the poms even more ammunition to pizzle us with when they invade our country's shores in late October, and wake up to yourselves and start playing some decent cricket over there. You have 7 months off after this series FFS, so pull your fingers out and perform your national duties admirably, not in the miserable fashion you are constantly going about your business in Dhaka! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!

meanwhile at the sheltered workshop...

After a long tiring day of tearing up phone books page by page, our two heroes Einstien and Da Vinci love nothing more than a quick cuddle and a healthy discussion, pondering the reasons why anyone would want to stack their first grade side.

We Will Live Forever

Poll results

PDC Poll Results

1. What would you like to see more of on The Spray

a. Nothing, its already perfect
(0/9) - 0%

b. More abuse of people we know
(0/9) - 0%

c. More skanks
(1/9) - 11%

d. More abuse of everyone
(1/9) - 11%

e. All of the above
(7/9) - 78%

f. Other
(0/9) - 0%

As you can see gentlemen the return on the poll was bloody woeful but here are the results anyway. I dont know wether it was lack of interest, poor question choice or computer illiteracy but any feedback would be good