WOMEN'S RRRRRRRRR, WOMEN'S RRRRRUUU, WOMEN'S RRR, RRUUUU, RUUU....

Just like the Fonz can't bring himself to say he was wrong, I can not bring myself to say the words women and rugby in a singular context.

One of the club elders of the Canucks put it out there that the league wants us to establish a women's team and as editor of the member's only section of our website, the Beaver, I produced an editorial on the matter. Here is the meat of my open minded argument....

Canucks women's rugby team?
Fuck That!

I would rather watch soccer, drink beer with a referee or simply blow rugby off the face of the earth than than listen to Stanley Park corrupted by the banshee-like screeching of female "rugby" players defiling the great game of rugby with their putrid imitation of the game that is played in heaven.

Despite being the editor of a distinguished publication such as The Beaver Press I am at a loss for words to describe the vile perversion of our great game each time a women's "match" takes place.

Luckily for the reader's sake I do not have to describe the visuals burnt into my mind's eye from witnessing female "rugby", one only has to close one's eyes and listen to sounds eerily similar to Hitchcock's The Birds as the "players" squawk and shriek for 80 minutes to know that it is against God.

Those of you who look upon hosting a women's team the same way Remington eyes off a free buffet, you have not considered all the implications.

If one could dodge the heavily stacked odds of finding an attractive woman rugby player, anything less than a relationship could land you with an embittered rabbit-boiler hounding you every time you turn up to rugby. What is rugby to a man but a safe haven devoid of the harping of a wife/girlfirend/stalker?

After interviewing rugby players during my travels, it seems even benefits such as dishwashing and bingo volunteering are fraught with danger. One player told me of the women claiming an equal stake in the clubhouse built by the men 20 years earlier after two years of taking over bingo responsibilities.

If the Canucks want to lose half their shit, they can do it the traditional way and get married!

HALF!

The only place for handbags in rugby is in the hands of a drunk All Black.

It all makes sense.....7

Dear loyal readers.

Many of you have sent emails concerned about the speed in which this year has gone and want to know if it is one of the effects of global warming making the earth spin more rapidly, or whether the recent global jump day has tilted the world too far out of orbit and sent us hurtling towards to the Sun.

FOR FUCK SAKE! If the year was going quicker we would be forever adjusting our watches.

However, August is around the corner which means that once again Christmas is almost here. Decorations and seasonal music will be appearing in our department stores any day now. As we rush headlong toward this, the second most holy day of the Christian calendar, my thoughts turn to the true meaning behind the Yule, the message of absolute joy guaranteed by my eternal Lord and master: ”SUBMIT OR SUFFER IN EXCRUCIATING AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP”.

Well, this is probably not the way most of the theological brethren would choose to articulate the spirit of Christmas, but they have always been a bunch of namby-pamby apologists, watering down the word of God.

This Christmas I want you all to drop all the evil Pagan ceremonies that have corrupted the true spirit of Christ’s birth. Much of what we call Christmas is pale echoes of the orgiastic pagan winter solstice festival. The decorated Christmas tree, the giving of gifts, the mistletoe, Satan Claus, these things are not Christian at all, but stale left-overs from a less enlightened era. What the world needs now is some more sombre and pious way of celebrating our dear Savior’s birth. Below are some of my suggestions.

In the times of Jesus, a single criminal was set free each year by the Romans. I propose we do the same thing here. Each year, one prisoner who has found enlightenment will be released. However, I would take this one step further, and lock up one "innocent" man or woman. Someone we all hate should suffer in their place. Maybe place the wart encrusted eyebrow Howard or his tea lady Downer in stocks, around inner city back alleys, where they will be urinated on by passing winos and rugby tourists.

Lock up store managers who insist their employees deck themselves in the traditional Baal worshipping colours of red and green. Impound all the festive tree decorations, and burn any Christmas cards which do not depict the miraculous virgin birth.

Heavily armoured death squads would roam the shopping centers executing on sight any hapless pre-pubescent buskers engaged in the making of music of an atheistic nature (jingle bells, white Christmas and rudolph will all have to go I'm afraid).

City commuters would be forced to leave their cars at home and drag large wooden crosses (luggage strapped to modified roof racks) to the north coast for the holiday period to give them an insight into the suffering Jesus endured for all.

Maybe, just maybe, with these changes implemented, we, the filthy atheists who have lost sight of all things pure and good will finally be saved.

Next week: Gasnier – The real Santa, or just another fuckhead child molester dressed in Red and White????

Another Aussie in Canada

In what is turning out to be a disturbing trend, an aussie that isn't Labrat got up to some serious mischef in Canada whilst on the piss. (at least idon't think it was Labrat!)

CBCNEWS July 19 2006

An Australian man is recovering from a close brush with death after surviving a fall of nearly 30 metres into a ravine in East Vancouver on Tuesday.

The man, who had been drinking, climbed up onto a railing over the ravine near the Commercial Drive SkyTrain station, apparently looking for somewhere to relieve himself.

"I guess he was really drunk," said one witness. "He tried to grab on to the tree there, to climb down, and he fell all the way to the bottom."

Emergency officials say the man broke at least one bone, but will be OK, as branches slowed his fall.

Vancouver fire department Capt. Rick Matsen says it was obvious the man had been drinking until just moments before his fall.

"Well, it just so happens he had a beer with him when he was brought up," he said.

"Still in his hands?" asked a reporter.

"Still in his hands, yup. He held on to it pretty tight, I'm thinking," said Matsen.

Of course this new standard of drunken behaviour was immeadiately legislated by the Australian government, and is now obligitory for all aussies.(even the ones with two passports.)

There were also calls from the wider population of piss-heads to introduce "Beer-Falling" into our schools to open the way to declare it our new national sport!

Soccer fans were said to be despondent that yet another sport was more interesting than theirs.

Gentlemen history is being made, and legends are being born!!

our new motto is:

Climb higher, Skull faster, Fall further !!!

Lets Remember.............Mr. T

In keeping with current themes getting thrown about the spray, I thought it was timely to perhaps shift sideways and remember the one and only Mr T.

The original King of Bling, T was one tough muthafucka from the golden era of the A-Team and Rocky III.

No Faux-Hawks for this man. No siree Bob. The real deal my friends

A curious combination of action man, punk, sportsman, vigilante, actor, gangsta all rolled into one.

T would have no time for the wigga’s of today and I am sure would kicked 10 shades of shit out of their pale arses.

I always suspected he was gay, found it hard to reconcile his sexuality and as a result seriously overcompensated for it. But Fuck it. So what. I don’t care the T-man rocks.

Here’s a bit of T-trivia:

T, Mr. was born Laurence Tureaud on 21 May 1952 in the rough southside ghetto area of Chicago.
He is the second to youngest of twelve children and grew up in the housing projects. His father left when he was 5, and his mother raised the family on $87 a month welfare in a three-room apartment. (Brings a tear to my eye)

Famous quotes: "Next to God, there is no better protector than I!", "I pity the fool!" GOLD, GOLD, GOLD
At one time he was a bodyguard for former three-time heavyweight champion 'Muhammed Ali'.
Once worked as a bouncer and a bodyguard to Steve McQueen, Michael Jackson & Diana Ross.

Mr. T in 1984 released a rap album titled Mr. T's Commandments. (I recommend you get a copy)
After leaving college he was a Military Policeman in the U.S. Army before trying out for the Green Bay Packers. His professional football career was finished, however, by a knee injury.

Entered the world of pro wrestling in 1985-86 and 1994-95. Was Hulk Hogan's tag team partner at the first WrestleMania, defeating the team of Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper on March 31, 1985. His feud with Piper continued into WrestleMania 2 in 1986, defeating Piper in a boxing match by DQ.

Well Done T and a worthy recipient of ‘Lets Remember….’

And remember..Word up and keep tight the fortress my broz.

IS THIS THE PINNACLE?

Let the PDC decide. Is this the most retarded Labrat effort?

As some of the older crew would remember I don't have a great track record with golf courses, namely golf buggies, after Jack Daniels and I had a head-on collision with two carts on the Coffs Harbour End of Season Trip. The golf club made an attempt to claim a $4000 bill from the club and were told to fuck off if I remember correctly.

Sunday I found myself attending a company golf tournament and unfortunately I am now 0/2 at keeping a golf buggy in one piece. If only that was the worst of it.

Paired with my girlfriend and my boss (none of us the designated driver) par for the course was set at a drink a hole and we kept pace until we finished the front 9. At this point Ally and I decided to introduce hash into the equation. Within a few holes I had fallen out of the buggy for no reason while negotiating a simple U-turn, had the cart on two wheels with my boss beside me and then finally launched my boss out of the cart when he tried to hang on to the side.

All fun and games.

On to the 17th hole and after a bit of socialising with another group and the girlfriend falling off in another low speed U-turn incident I was booting the cart along the tar track to catch up with the boss when I rounded a sharp corner, beer in hand, and went flying out the side of the cart, hit the tar then rolled several metres along the glass, ripping my elbow open in the process.

With no driver the cart continued its turn straight into a fence pole which launched my girlfriend through the front of the cart and face first on to the tar. My boss managed to bend the cart back into shape before I drove it to the carpark and switched it for the car to drive to a hospital completely hammered with a bleeding girlfriend. My girlfriend was not as easily bent back into shape.

She came out of it with stitches in her very black eye, stitches in her lip, road rash on her face, arm and legs and a whole bunch of bruises. Let us say I am not in the good books with her or her parents.

Myself, I came away with stitches in a gouge to my elbow that came close to a nerve, a course of antibiotics, an $800 hospital bill, shortened rugby season and a girlfriend not all that happy that I came out of it better than her.

Obviously at this point in time I feel this is the most retarded/amusing effort I have produced to date. There was also the time I fell out of a tree drunk and ended up with a tree stake in my throat, or when I put my head through a shop window and almost had it chopped off...

But I would like to hear from the PDC. Is this the most retarded thing I have done? Feel free to post a comment or even a new post if you have an example of something you feel is a match for this.

Labby

F.F.S - Part 4

Intrigued and inspired by Labrats last post I went a searchin’ for the infamous breed known as the ‘wigga’. Low and behold and with a little bit of ingenious research (ie: typing wigga into google image search, I happened across many a wigga).

FOR FUCKS SAKE !!! Can you believe these corkheads ? Look at their hands. Are they malformed or actually doing this on purpose. It fucking staggers me. Eminem you have a lot too fucking answer for and should be first against the wall when the revolution comes.
Now don’t get me wrong. African Americans who it appears invented this ‘style’ and form of behaviour can go nuts with it. Fine by me and in fact, more power to you (or yo). Put as many caps in asses as you like. Smoke/Sell as much crack as you can. Fuck as many crack whores as you can. God Bless ya.

But as for these mimicking retards the patheticism is beyond belief. Have a bit of fucken pride. May they spend some time in Reikers, San Quentin or some other cool sounding yank gaol learning ‘prison-rules’ the hard way by some gangsta named Lamont or Jamahl or something.

Wiggers

Wigger: 1. White nigger. 2. White person who copies black language, dress and culture.

Dear Wigger,

You are a useless cunt.

Labrat.

Why do white people want to be black?

The big cock thing aside, what the fuck is the attraction? You want to be poor and steal shit? (Move to Mt Druitt) Once you can buy a nice car you want to be accused of stealing it and beaten by white cops? You want your heroes to be criminals who turn out some putrid rap? Second album about how hard and poor they are written from their mansion. FFS. Or an overpaid sportsman who acts like a fucking child and then can't work out why people don;t like him or are charging him with criminal offences?

Of all the strange things I have seen in my time in North America this phenomenon is the most disturbing. Take into account I lived in Houston where it is the norm to carry a gun in your glovebox, be fiercely pro George W Bush and have crack addicts trying to sell you shoes while you are at work.

Possibly the most amazing thing about this phenomenon is that any self respecting black guy would punch the piss out of these fucktards on principle. Why is it that most wiggers are built like twigs, are uncoordinated but yet in some monster denial that they are in fact hard? I wonder whether black people or good redneck whites should get the licence to club these cunts on site.

I truly hope when I return to aus in a couple of months the situation isn't as dire as in Canada. I know being a basketball-loving, giant singlet wearing, massive hat sporting cockhead is the rite of passage for most aussie teenagers in Sydney but I thought you grew out of it or got stabbed on George St.

Luckily I have managed to move from annoyance and despair to humour in my workplace interactions with a severly advanced case of wiggerism. There's a guy i work with who is built like me if you stretched me to 6'2.

He has the usual delusions of hardness despite being a bespectacled weakling, does the little fist high five thing with the one black guy at work but what caught me off-guard was his blind use of wigger terms to people so clearly uneqipped or inclined to want to be black. My response to word ups, yo's, sups, etc is to grunt. I almost laughed out loud when my boss from Newfoundland, which is a fishing island that gathers the same amount of respect for its gene pool as Tassie, was referred to as "playa" when voicing a simple question. Then to top it off he marks his name down as O Dogg on his comapny gear! I deadset thought it was his last name for months before i worked it out as his slef appointed rap name.


Your name is Oliver and you grew up on a farm. You are a cunt.

We love piss, we love piss....

A 42-year-old woman is facing a homicide rap for allegedly giving her husband a lethal fortified wine enema. Why a wine enema? Well, according to cops, Michael Warner, 58, liked to drink, but was unable to guzzle sherry due to a throat ailment. So the couple opted last May for a secondary delivery method for two large bottles of the booze. The sherry infusion drove Warner's blood alcohol level to a whopping 0.47 and triggered his demise, according to the below indictment, which charges that Warner knew that her husband "should not ingest or consume alcohol.

0.47??? For fuck sake, I’ve seen bus virgins with a BAC of twice as much still holding their own and singing the national anthem on the incline to the Lappo.

Moo, lets arrange for some garden hose and a hot water bottle for the trip to Hunters Hill. We’ll soon sort the men from the boys!!

This is NOT a sport

I tried and tried and tried! I tried to give it a chance, I tried to see what all the fuss was about and in the end I tried to work out why I was getting up so early and subjecting myself to the so-called world game! The conclusion I reached was, in the words of the great Ford Farlaine "Just like masturbating with a cheese grater - slightly amusing, but mostly painful!"







There is no way known that soccer can in any way be called a sport. Ten pin bowling has more credibility as a sport than this crap. At least bowlers can drink during the game and some effort is required to make the pins fall over!

Only the softest of the soft would ever contemplate playing this gayest of all games. Soccer should be in its own fucking catergory with "interpretive dance" and "theater sports"!!

Could you imagine what would happen to these faggots if they got hit by Jerry Collins or had Willie Mason run over the top of them!
They would fucking die!! That is if they even knew what hit them!










A real sport shows highlights of the action in their commercials, the best runs, hits, scoring plays etc. But not soccer! its shows shots of clowns juggling balls at training or in a ghetto somewhere! I'm supposed to be sold on the game because some dentists delight named Ronalddumbo can juggle one ball?? Well whoop-de-fucking-doo, i've seen a bear ride a bicycle and Fonzie jump a shark! If I wanted to see morons fall over I'd go to people falling down and at least be amused by it!

I didn't know that Cirque du soliel had a world cup! And now that the clowns are finished do the elephants come on next?
As usual the poms invent a game and totally suck at it! And to top it off, other than Britain and Ireland, all the other english speaking countries all chose real sports as their national games and left soccer for children, gay immigrants, and spastics who cant catch!


People play soccer because they're too fucking scared to sit in the stands!!!!!

Why?

While I love the concept of putting shit on the all blacks, I do question wether it was wise to piss them off when they have the home ground advantage.

Australian Drink Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

........

........

........

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.