Training Hard?

You'd think that a responsible group of adults who had to play a game of rugby at 4pm would spend the morning practicing the necessary skills for the tournament.

Well we did. Training started at 8:30am

How In Gods name will we ever cope?....

I am in a shattered state of shock. Trying to get myself together after Naomi's sudden resignation from Today Tonight.

ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STRANGE LOOKING LOVE CHILD OF JACK NICHOLSONS JOKER FROM BATMAN !!!!

Last night while channel flicking I happened across Naomi on the verge of tears "ending weeks of speculation about her future". Like anyone cares bitch! This longwinded self-indulgent announcemant had a tone of "I'm sorry, it had to happen but you'll all be ok". Fuck off weirdo, I could hear the collective sigh of 'Thank Fucken God' like a fucken airbus roaring overhead.

This announcement had me transfixed like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Then I had to laugh.

Other Naomi Highlights:

In March, her relationship with an associate of a convicted drug dealer was plastered across newspapers.

In May a newspaper claimed she had a make-up truck at her disposal while covering the Beaconsfield mine collapse. (Robson took the rare step of responding on air, saying the story was "made up".)

In September Robson was criticised for presenting the show in khaki with a lizard on her shoulder the day after Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's death,

Also in September, with a film crew, expelled from Indonesia while attempting to retrieve a young boy from cannibals.

How To Get Anal Sex

I Love Animals (especially roasted)

AAHHH - There's no better way to celebrate the slaughter of hundreds of vermin, than to take a happy snap and send it to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Priceless!

Best Divorce Letter Ever

click on image to enlarge

Bloody Maoris

Kindergarten kids throw themselves a boozy party

The New Zealand Herald
Saturday November 18, 2006
By Mathew Dearnaley

Anxious kindergarten officials in Auckland are investigating how pre-schoolers stole into a storeroom and emptied cans of beer left from a fund-raising event.

Two youngsters were noticed missing during a fire drill last week at a North Shore kindergarten. They were found in the storage area minutes later with beer-soaked clothing from open cans.

Auckland Kindergarten Association general manager Tanya Harvey said yesterday it was not clear if they had actually consumed any alcohol, let alone become inebriated, and an investigation was continuing in consultation with their parents.

"We don't know if anything was consumed yet - maybe they just sprayed it over themselves.

"As far as I know, they hadn't got in and got themselves drunk, or anything like that. It just means they were able to access it - and how much has been consumed, that's what we are still trying to determine.

"Probably it was just horrible old warm beer or something and they probably just spat it out."

Ms Harvey said the cans were stored behind a latched door, which the children somehow climbed up to open, so it was not as though alcohol had been left accessible to youngsters in an open play area. She did not know how much alcohol was being stored, or whether there was anything stronger than beer.

"The children got into an area which was not normally accessible by them without a teacher," she said. "It was definitely not like there was anything lying around the kindergarten. It was probably only a couple of minutes before they were found."

Even so, Ms Harvey said, it was against association policy for alcohol to be stored on kindergarten premises, although it was sometimes available to adults at fundraising events controlled by licences under the Sale of Liquor Act.

She would not identify the kindergarten and said she did not know the ages of the children, although they were likely to be 4-year-olds rather than younger, given the length of waiting lists on the North Shore.

Nor would she comment on their parents' reaction, saying that was a matter between them and the kindergarten association, but she said there had been no great public discussion.

Alcohol Healthwatch director Rebecca Williams said the incident should serve as a "wake-up call" about the pervasiveness of alcohol in a society which appeared to tolerate it even in schools and kindergartens.

F.F.S. - Where on earth would a kid (quite possibily of Maori descent) get the idea that breaking into somewhere to get beer would be ok???? hmmmmm one of lifes great mysteries there. Good thing we don't know any people like that!

Stupidity and Accidents

There are so many laws and safeties, that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem though, is that we need accidents, and lots of them.

Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our species effectively becomes more intelligent (or at least, less stupid).

With safety in place, no matter how well intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots (who by all rights should be dead) are freed to go out and breed even more imbeciles.

Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Run with scissors; play with blasting caps; jaywalk; go swimming after a very large meal; stick something in your ear. Do all of these things and do them with gusto;

Future generations will thank you!

2006 World Stupidity Award Winners

Greyhound Poops On Ohio Family

Bus company sued for repulsive highway latrine-dumping incident
NOVEMBER 7--An Ohio family is suing Greyhound Lines, claiming that they were driving behind one of the company's buses when the vehicle discharged its latrine, covering them and their car with a fetid stew of human waste, toilet paper, and chemicals. In a Court of Common Pleas lawsuit, Robert and Angela Stokes charge that they were driving last May (Mother's Day, to be exact) on I-75 in Toledo when "Greyhound Bus No. 6426" suddenly "emptied the contents of its latrine." The Stokes, who were traveling with their three children, claim that they and their 2002 Ford Explorer were covered with "human urine, human feces, toilet paper, other waste products" and a liquid toilet chemical known as F-104 Inca Gold. Along with destroying their car, the Stokes contend that the bus discharge ruined their clothes and caused them to incur about $10,000 in medical bills. The complaint, an excerpt of which you'll find below, seeks at least $300,000 in total damages for the five family members.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah !covered in shit! hahahahahahah hahahahahahahahaha !snort! hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha !who farted! hahahahahahahahahaha !look mum brown rain! hahahahahaha hahahah hahaha

.

2 Down, 50,000 to go!

Before a ball has even been bowled in the upcoming Ashes series and with the poms teetering on the edge of yet another premature tri nations rugby league exit, it seems the Geezers can't deal with the heat the Australian continent is welcoming them with.

First came news of the departure of lions halfback Sean Long back to the mother country due to "missing his family", and then the ridiculous 'Stresscothick' bailing ship just 9 days prior to the 'defence' of the Ashes. How long have they been here? A week maybe??!! Maybe they are convinced that they will melt like the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard of Oz when threatened with the sighting of the Sun or the sheer thought of tasting their first cold beer??


Hopefully the putrid barmy army currently infiltrating our shores takes heed to their country's 'sportstars' behaviour and follow suit with a just as hasty exit back to the misery ridden piece of turf that is England.


p.s. The odds of this "stupid Indian that can't speak English" to be the next to leave our shores are unbackable. If he's been hurt by this sledge whilst fielding on the fence at a practice match at the SCG on the weekend, then there's no doubting that he is going to end up in the same nuthouse as Stresscothick back in London by Christmas.

p.p.s When the f*ck will the poms start picking some of their own for the cricket. First there was the likes of Graham Hick, Andrew Caddick, Nasser 'Sadaam' Hussein and Martin 'Aussie' McCague in previous failed Ashes campaigns. And now they have Monty 'Kamal' Panesar, and Kevin F*cking Pietersen!!!! F*cking United Nations more like it....

Newsflash from the 'top-end'....

From the Northern Territory, the land with the highest number of brain surgeons and rocket scientists per capita in the world, comes the following.....

By Tim Arvier
National Nine News Darwin reporter

Drunk drivers can be inventive when attempting to evade police, particularly in the Northern Territory. Some speed off down the Stuart Highway, hoping officers run out of petrol before they do. And others just decide to get out of their car and run. Another man recently climbed into the passenger's seat in an ill-fated bid to convince police the car was actually driving itself.
One young driver has managed to one-up these methods with a bizarre escape after being pulled over for suspected drink driving.
Around midnight last Saturday, Constable Dale Howe and his partner were in their patrol car when they noticed a sedan "swerving" across the road. They pulled the car over and gave the driver a breath test, in which he registered more than .08.
Everything was proceeding normally until a brown one-metre snake suddenly slithered past the car. Constable Howe was stunned by the driver's actions.
"He [the driver] ran across and picked it up."
"He grabbed the head and faced it outwards at me. I thought he was going to throw it at me or something."
After repeated warnings to drop the reptile, Constable Howe told the snake-wielding aggressor he would use capsicum spray to end the stand-off. Not willing to risk enraging the potentially venomous snake, the driver ran off into nearby bush land still holding his recently acquired pet. Constable Howe courageously gave chase, but lost him in the darkness.
Any celebrations by the escapee will be short-lived. He's a teenager well known to police for his visits to the courts. They're extremely confident he'll be caught, and are preparing to charge him with driving under the influence, assault and driving an unregistered car.
For Dale Howe it made an interesting night's work.
"It's a bit bizarre. It's not everyday someone arms themself with a snake," he said.
When police catch up with the teenager, he may want to start thinking about how he'll explain himself in court. A lawyer would no doubt advise him not to follow the example of another young man who appeared before a Darwin magistrate for exceeding the legal limit.
When asked why he drove after drinking, he replied, "Because I'm a dickhead." "That," said the magistrate, "I can't argue with."

What else needs to be said?.....

Sydney Morning Herald
Asher MosesNovember 13, 2006

"Borat only arrived in Sydney on Saturday and he's already stirring the pot.
"I like very much Australia, I am a huge fanny of your country," he said today.
"Last night I go to a very nice nightclubs in Oxford Street named Manacle. There were 200 men dancing there with no shirt on, very strong and muscular, and only one womans. And who do you think she choose? ... Borat!"
He said the woman was taller than him, with hair on her arms and a very deep voice.
"[This morning] my anus was hang loose like the mouth of a tired dog."
He expressed his fondness for Australian television, particularly Home and Away. His favourite character is Colleen Smart, played by Lyn Collingwood.
"I would like to make romance inside of her," he said.
While he's here, Borat would like to find an Australian wife to take back to Kazakhstan with him, and he's also "very interest to meet a kangaroo".
"I would very much like to find Australian wife ... ladies, please send me photograph, preferably erotic," he said.
"My preference is for a woman who has more hair on head than back, and teeth that grow only on inside of mouth ... [and] she must be tight like man's anus."

Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream

Yes you read it right! Some fuckwit has come up with chicken fried steak ice cream! F.F.S The world just caters for brain dead fat fucks.

The stupidity starts from the name and just gets worse from there. Chicken fried is just a red-neck Texan word for deep fucking fried and has nothing to do with chooks. I don't know wether this is to trick fat people who don't eat slow enough to taste anything, or because Texans are the same bunch of retards whose main claim to fame is letting that fuckwit Bush loose on the world.

The ice cream involved is made from the crap left in the pan after cooking the fucking steak. MMMM sounds just fan-fucking-tastic I can't wait to try it. But don't just take my word for it here's what the good people at dallasfood.org had to say:

Once you start looking at it more closely, chicken-fried steak ice cream doesn't sound that far out. Ice cream is just dairy, eggs, and sugar. The classic CFS breading consists of flour, dairy, and eggs. The traditional sauce (in Texas) is a thick, sweet, dairy-based gravy, with or without meat drippings. With a little tweaking, one should be able to make a savory ice cream that, in effect, is like a rich, meaty, frozen cream gravy. Serving it over a hot chicken-fried steak would provide an unexpected temperature contrast. A scoop of ice cream wouldn't damage the crust of the CFS nearly as much as a blanket of warm gravy would. But, as the ice cream melts over the meat, the taste would (in theory) be rather familiar.

Rather Familiar???? to fucking what??? a dogs arse? or that bird that shits in my mouth just before I wake up with a hangover? Of course this is all "in theory" so this cunt hasn't even tried it, probably because it will taste as good as it sounds.

So - What have we learned today?
Well, we already knew that fat people are retarded and will eat anything that can't outrun them. We already knew that food industry types are making millions selling any old deep fried shit cause fat poeple want to be fatter. And we knew that everything's big in texas, including the waist lines of all the fucktards who live there. So the only thing left to learn is how to make Chicken Fried Steak Ice Cream - It would probably taste better with bacon and chips but all you fat cunts out there have already thought of that. F.F.S!

Wife Training - Russian Style

Lesson #28 - Teaching the bitch to swim



Next Week - lesson #29 - Fetching (vodka)

F*ck Off!

Martyn loses respect for Lillee
AFP
November 7, 2006

Damien Martyn has told Dennis Lillee to shut up with his "Dad's Army" criticisms of the home side ahead of the Ashes. Martyn, who arrived home on Tuesday from Australia's Champions Trophy victory in India, said Lillee was in danger of losing the respect of current players if he continued to criticise the team.

Martyn, one of three 35-year-olds in the side, slammed Lillee's recent comments that an ageing top order could be the achilles heel in Australia's bid to regain the Ashes. "I think Dennis Lillee should keep quiet as president of the WACA [Western Australia Cricket Association] - it is disappointing," Martyn told reporters. "The team is disappointed in Dennis' several comments over the last six months, which don't need to be said. No [it doesn't fire you up] ... you just lose your respect."

In a column in the West Australian last month, Lillee said he saw danger signs for Australia as they prepared to take on the younger England team. "It's worrying how Australia, after being outplayed in England last year, are going to turn things around with a decidedly older team," he wrote. "Australia have some great players but even the greatest players get tapped on the shoulder by Father Time at some stage."

Get f*cked c*nt! Lillee, as always, is again on the mark you stupid arrogant prick. The ageing top order was a big part of the reason we lost the ashes to these pommy gits last year, and you were at the forefront of the choking as usual c*nt. So shut the f*ck up, and listen to your elders you stupid little germ. I really can't wait for you to fail in the 1st Test in Brisbane which will hopefully, and FINALLY spell the end of your extremely over rated career. Then we can get on with winning the Ashes back without your usless contribution. And as for the pushing away of the kind gentleman handing you lot the ICC trophy the other day, that just sums up what you are really all about prick. F*ck off!!

Golden Oldies Rugby

Somewhere in the course of the week I spent in Wellington, drinking my way through my first ever Golden Oldies Rugby Festival someone coined the term Schoolies Week for Old People. Never in my life have I heard anything described so accurately!

This week long slop-fest embraces the main core value held by all rugby players - BEER! This was promptly followed by more beer and then some more beer and more and more - (well you get the drift).

Anyway after the first day we were required to play. Unfortunately (or not, depending on how you look at it) our first game was at 4pm. In true rugby fashion we were so pissed we were lucky to be walking let alone playing and the game ended in the oldies tradition of Nil all and a round of drinks. The week rapidly degenerated from there.

With over 160 teams and roughly 4000 players, Wellington never knew what hit it. You couldn't walk into a pub without running into 2 or 3 teams, wanting to know where you're from and wanting to have a beer with you. The whole city was crawling with old beer sodden rugby players, whose past playing careers got better and better as the week progressed.

Buses were put on to get us everywhere, therefore negating the need to sober up. Plus plenty of pre and post match entertainment, so we had something to watch whilst partaking in an ale or two. Theres no such thing as responsible service of alcohol when it comes to over 35's - if you want more piss - they just give it to you! My liver and kidneys hate me but they were on the way out anyway.

Gentlemen if you're not over 35 then get some fake ID and get on one of these trips!! It was seriously some of the best piss drinking fun i've ever had!

See you in Scotland in 2008!