It Is Done

After years of slop and a single brain/memory cell now carrying the load, the Canucks' most prestigious award is in my grasp. Most Valuable Drunk is mine.

Unsurprisingly, by the time they awarded me this I was having serious trouble speaking and managed about six words over two minutes during my acceptance speech.

The MVD award has been going since the 70s with the Canucks. It is obviously not an award presented for being able to handle your booze well or with class, but enthusiasm is encouraged.

Attending my first preso with the Canucks in 2005 I was extremely impressed to learn that the MVD award was the centrepiece of the entire evening, pushing playing awards to a secondary role. At this point I knew I could live in Canada, despite missing the pigslop of Blue Mountains rugby.

The award underwent a change this year after the powers that be foolishly listened to the complaints of women and homos that the night shouldn't be all about a drinking award. Typically the four nominees for the award would compete in a number of competitions before the winner was announced. These were usually rigged as the winner had been voted on a week earlier by the MVD alumni.

This year the preliminaries were carried out on our Gentlemen's Night and the winner was still up for grabs on the night.

The two frontrunners were myself and my brother, who has been on an alcohol fueled second childhood since getting a divorce a week before I turned up in 2005.

Some speculators have said that I managed to steal the award during the final test of the night.

Last year's winner is from Canada's equivalent of Tasmania, Newfoundland, which is primarily a bunch of backward fishermen and therefore our last test was to play the "air fiddle" accompanied by fiddling music. I decided to use the only prop I had at my disposal and whipped out my pecker to use as a substitute and the "meat fiddle" was born. In an attempt to outdo me my brother decided to get rock and roll and try to slide across a few tables, misjudged his trajectory, and destroyed two old, heavy tables.