This Bloke Belongs in QLD

Sorry for the small text, but thought it was too good not to post. Is this 'our' Chris Hill......

And as for those soap dodging F#@kwits....

bragging because for the first time in fucking forever they actually got more gold medals than us. Pretty much exclusively in two sports- rowing and cycling, which, much like swimming (where Australia by any accounts were disappointing in Beijing) requires not a great deal of talent, just ridiculous amount of training.
For one thing, it's 4 countries against one- why cant England compete alone? Because they need Scotsmen and Welshmen, two actual countries of genuine hard cunts to do the heavy lifting. Also, dont start bragging about sporting prowess, there are only two sports you sad bastards care about- cricket (where your weak excuse for a captain just slunk off with his tail between his legs, and you admitted to cheating in your only Ashes win in the last 25 years) and soccer (where you couldnt even manage to qualify for Euro 2008). You are comically shit at the only two sports you give a toss about.
The best bit is how during the 95% of the time that you are the worlds doormat at sport, usually being towelled up by Aussies, you point at Aussies lording their sporting prowess over you as proof of how boorish and one-dimensional we are and how you dont care because you are so much more sophisticated. Then you pour sqillions of lottery dollars ripped of broke cockneys, geordies and scousers into your Olympic training programs, win some medals then carry on like you are the greatest sporting nation that ever was. Next thing you know you'll give every medallist an MBE or OBE- that's right, youve already donew that with the cheating cricket team and boring rugby team haven't you? Fucking twats.

Deevs' Olympic Wrap

Not a bad Olympics overall, I must say that I got into it a lot more than i had anticipated. Here's my extended thoughts from 2 and a bit weeks on the couch watching fit people do their thing.
Firstly, all this crap about the best Olympics ever. We hear this almost every Olympics, except for the shambolic Athens Olympics. I contend that if you actually ask an average fan, rather than an IOC official that gets pampered like a newborn, whether they would rather going to Beijing and worrying about being beaten with a rattan stick for cheering too loudly or going to Sydney and boozing up pretty much continuously for 3 weeks at various locales around the beautiful harbour city, which would they pick? Not exactly money or the box is it?
As for the sport, I stand by my contention that the Olympics is full of sports we see only once every 4 years for a reason- they are boring as batshit. I've ranted against swimming before on this blog, as it is a retarded sport for social misfits too unco-ordinated to do any actual enjoyable sports. If I hear one more bleating journo proclaim Phelps as one of the great athletes on par with Ali, MJ, Woods etc, I will completely lose the plot. Are there any other sports where you can even try to get 8 gold medals? If Bolt could do the 50, the 100, the 150, the 200, the 100m skip, the 100m running backwards etc, don't you reckon he'd sweep them? Phelps would win swimming, and thats it. If LeBron James decided to do decathlon, for instance, and train for 12 months, I would have him at $1.40 to win gold. The guy is six-nine, 120 kg, is super fit, and runs faster and jumps higher than anyone. Now THATS an athlete. A swimmer, by default, cannot be the worlds greatest athlete. 98% of swimmers quit by the end of high school, because they realise how fucked it is. Do you know anyone that does competitive swimming? Didn't think so. Great athletes do things like run, jump, tackle, kick, hit etc. Not fucking swim.
As for track and feild, it's a similar story. Bolt is an anomaly, because Jamaica is for some strange reason obsessed with sprinting, and isn't really into any football codes in a big way. Apart from him, the worlds fastest and best athletes are roaming around the NFL, soccer and rugby fields worldwide. If you are the best athlete at you high school, do you run track? Of course not, you shoot for the dollars and play some sort of football. Strong enough to throw? Then pad up kid. Can you jump out of the building? Then the NBA has 15 million dollars with your name on it. Track and field is for people who are athletic but too soft to get hit or too unco to play ball sports.
Some of the other sports defy belief. Synchronised swimming was bad enough, but synchronised diving? FFS. Although it was funny to see the world champion Russian diver, after watching his partner damn near empty the pool like Doddsy on the Gold Coast, look at him as if to say "Fuck you, I'm getting you thrown in the Gulag when we get home"
Also, how can we have beach volleyball and normal volleyball? Can we have putt putt? Maybe one on one half court hoops? Who determines which sports are in because I think we could have the boat race in the next Olympics- its arguably more strenuous than shooting and table tennis is essentially a game played in back rooms while drinking- why not combine the two?
The funniest part of the games was without a doubt hearing the Aussie diver who won the gold speak. For two weeks I had been trying to convince my wife, who was perving on the divers whenever they minced around the screen, that all divers are gay. He made Sixty-Forty sound like Mr T. She was trying to deny it, but as soon as the Aussie started carrying on like Hank Azaria in the Birdcage, the argument against my assertion was dead and buried. Life is so predictable sometimes.
As for my favourite performance of the Olympics, it has to be the pole vault win by Steve Hooker. Nothing like seeing a stringbean bongrat Aussie staunch up after beating a Russian to the gold. Did anyone even realise pole vaulting was an option in Australia? I had no idea- we never had it at the Blaxland High athletics carnival. Random performances like that are really what makes the Olympics watchable- not watching swimmers have sook when they win a silver instead of gold- I'd much rather a bogan chick like Sally McClelland accidentally drop an S- bomb because she cant believe she came second.

Evolution of dance !

This guy is pretty good

It's time to go - NRL

Since i've had enough of the NRL, I thought we should move cricket in a bit earlier.

DAVID BOON FACTS

The concept of David Boon in a drinking contest is an oxymoron. When Boonie is involved, there is no contest.

Alcoholics became anonymous to stop Boonie calling them, "Pussies who can't handle their booze."

David Boon has never been out in a game of cricket, he just gives other blokes a turn.

David Boon famously vomited on the hallowed Adelaide Oval turf in a World Series Cricket match in 1988 before a live nationwide TV audience of millions. (He went on to make 122 and win "Man Of The Match" ).

Just like superman has his kryptonite, David Boon has his light beer.

David Boon's cricket whites were made from the skins of English cricketers.

David Boon has never drunk a single beer in his life. He always has more than one.

David Boon does not wear a groin protector. Cricket balls are made of leather to withstand the impact of David Boon's groin.

When a Danish newspaper published a cartoon of David Boon without a moustache, Tasmanians from around the world started rioting.

In drinking competitions, David Boon has been known to take swigs from his competitors glasses when they aren't looking.

In games of skill, an inexperienced player may be referred to as a NOOB, meaning he is the complete opposite of David Boon.

If Chuck Norris threw a roundhouse kick at David Boon whilst Boonie played a leg glance, the world as we know it would be destroyed.

David Boon has been known to hide a keg of beer in his cricket bag.

In the early days of Australian motoring, David Boon realised that he needed a new type of vehicle. One that was stylish enough to ferry his freshly-pressed whites and billowing moustache to the game, but robust enough to carry ten kegs of beer. And so the Holden Ute was born.

Scientists once said that challenging Chuck Norris to a fight is the stupidest thing you can do. This is wrong. The stupidest thing you can do is challenge David Boon to a drinking contest.

It is the dream of every freshly filled Victoria Bitter can, bottle or keg to one day end up inside David Boon. Thankfully more than half get their wish granted.

Boonie's tears don't cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as they are 4.9% alcohol.

Like most people, David Boon can crush a beer can against his forehead. Unlike most people, his beer can does not need to be empty.

Never ask Boonie the time, as his response will always be "Time for your shout." And you have no choice but to oblige.

When "Inside Cricket" magazine awards their Player of the Year, there is fine print on the bottom of the page that says: * besides David Boon.

The runaway success of David Boon's famous BBQ Boon Burger lead to the extinction of the Tasmanian Tiger.

David Boon can remove his moustache and use it to soak up gravy, polish cricket balls or pleasure a woman.

David Boon could count to infinity. He just can't be arsed.

David Boon can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

David Boon once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Howzat!"

David Boon recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Foster's. Boonie won't drink it either.

SBW - France !! Gus VS Gallop

SBW to France

I honestly don't have a problem with SBW going to France cause who in their right mind would want to play for or support the Bulldogs. I would be on the first plane out of Belmore/Homebush/Anz/Wherever the f@#k they play.

Bring in the Marque player rule like the A-League. One person gets how ever much they want and the other guys can split the salary cap. It is the only answer to this issue. If it isn't brought in soon then we have no chance of keeping the stars of the game

I also want to know when will Jean Perwee Daniels, the captain of Bluey's 1st grade rugby, be offered big bucks to go back to his homeland. I hope Thug has a contingency plan in the event of a poaching raid on his playing roster.

I want to hear your opinions on the SBW to France fiasco and the salary cap.

Gus Vs Gallop

One of the best on air verbals I have heard in a long time when Gus destroyed Gallop's argument. I really don't like Gus that much but he did a good number on Gallop on Triple - Monday night before the Dog's vs Dragons game. I heard he was stood down from Channel nine for his comments for a set period of time, but I think it was worth it !!!

F*ck Gorden Tallis

BRISBANE Broncos legend Gorden Tallis yesterday launched an extraordinary attack on Mark Gasnier, telling the Dragons star "au revoir" for choosing French rugby union over the NRL.
Tallis said Gasnier was "not worth the drama" surrounding his big-money move to France.
Despite conceding he is one of the NRL's most talented players, Tallis said rugby league officials should not be too concerned about Gasnier's decision to head overseas.
"Mark Gasnier is a wonderful player, but if he is so driven by money that he wants to go and play rugby union in France, I say au revoir," Tallis wrote in his weekly news- paper column.
"I just don't think Gasnier is worth the drama."
To back up his argument, Tallis questioned Gasnier's effectiveness in his side's loss to the Raiders at the weekend.
"Have a look at Sunday's game, when Gasnier made his return from injury to a Dragons team riding the crest of a seven-match winning streak," he wrote.
"The man talked up as the world's best centre helped set up a nice try when the game was beyond the Dragons' reach.
"But before that he was barely in the contest. He was stood up cold by Canberra journeyman Colin Best, and you would hardly say the Dragons players rallied around his leadership. And seriously, why would they?
"All they have read in the papers recently is that Gasnier is unhappy at their club. That he is keen to break his five-year agreement with St George Illawarra to go and play for a million dollars a year at Stade Francais."
Tallis also questioned Gasnier's claim that he is making the move to escape his "fishbowl existence in the NRL".
"Let's not kid ourselves. The simple reason Gasnier wants out is cash and cash alone," he wrote.
"That's fine - I like an earn as much as the next guy - but Gasnier shouldn't pretend his motivation is anything but."

Fuck Gorden Tallis
What a hypocritical piece of shit- remember big Gordy not just fleeing the Dragons for loads o' dough but sitting out a year then spearheading the whole Super League farce? Short memory you cave dweller. Having this brain dead fuckwit on the NRL board shows just how low league is sinking

This guy must have MAJOR chafing issues

Christie Brinkley’s estranged husband revealed details of his extramarital affairs during their divorce trial, telling the court he had sex with his teenage lover and then paid her $US300,000 ($312,000) to keep their affair quiet.Peter Cook was called to the stand and questioned about his affair with Diana Bianchi, 18, who is also expected to testify that Cook seduced her shortly after hiring her for his Hamptons architectural firm. Brinkley’s lawyer, Robert Stephan Cohen, also told the court that Cook spent about $3,000 a month on pornographic websites."That is the man who's come before this court and asked for custody of his 13-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter," he said.Cook is said to have met Bianchi in early 2005, she was reportedly paid $US20, 000 ($20,788) to type magazine articles onto the company’s website, he also left her cash payments in various locations including $US500 under a rock.

Bang an 18 year old? OK, I can see that, even if you're married to Christie Brinkley, who is still well rootable in her early 50s. Whatever.
But, $3000 a month on internet porn? Really? Did he ever get out of the house? How many loads do you need to get away per month and what sort of chafing issues would he have as a result of this ridiculous filth expenditure? My mind reels with questions. I'm all for online porn, but that is beyond belief. Even if you sign up to say, 15 websites, they charge around 20 or 30 bucks a month (so I'm told) surely that is plenty o' filth. Three grand a month? FFS.

Do you remember this human ??

A hint:

Though Bert's the King of Comedy/
I've been learning at my master's knee/
Now he's taught me the ropes/
It's my greatest of hopes/
He'll play second banana to me

Chiko Roll Tribute !!

The Chiko Roll or CHIKO Roll is an Australian savoury snack developed by Frank McEncroe, a boilermaker from Bendigo, and first appeared at the Wagga Wagga Show in 1951. It was inspired by the Chinese egg roll and spring rolls and was designed to be able to be eaten with one hand whilst drinking a beer with the other. The Chiko roll consists of boned mutton, celery, cabbage, barley, rice, carrot and spices in a tube of egg, flour and dough which is then deep-fried. The wrap was designed to be unusually thick so it would survive handling at Football matches. It was originally called a "Chicken roll" despite not containing any chicken then later renamed "Chiko Roll". At the peak of their popularity in the 1960s and 1970s, tens of millions of Chiko Rolls were sold annually in Australia, and the product has been described as an Australian cultural icon.

Just about the only good thing to come from Wagga Wagga.

I love it !

Neg's Burger Bowl Off

Just watched this on Balls of Steel and had to share it. Its awesome!!!

Way to go fuckbag!!

Stalker's sex video sent to police

By Karen Matthew
June 12, 2008 11:25am

A STALKER filmed himself masturbating and sent it to his victim's mobile phone while she was at a police station making a complaint about him.

The video gave police the evidence they needed to charge him, the Geelong Advisor reported.

Benjamin Baker, 27, of Princes Highway in Corio, Victoria, pleaded guilty in Geelong Magistrates Court yesterday to stalking and using a telecommunications device to harrass.

Police Prosecutor Seaton Lillas said Baker repeatedly harassed his victim by phone and sent her video of him masturbating.

Unfortunately for Baker, one of his video calls was made while the woman was at her local police station laying a complaint.

"The victim answered the call to find Baker again masturbating himself and she showed the officer taking her statement," Senior Constable Lillas told the court.

Magistrate Tim McDonald called Baker's conduct as disturbing and fined him $3000.

It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if this morons nickname was middo.

Tucker Max

My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.

I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.

But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world.

The Tucker Max Stories include:
The Famous "Sushi Pants" Story

Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue

The Absinthe Donuts Story

The Austin Road Trip

This guy has a book out that is a NY times best seller and is very bloody funny. He also has heaps of his stories on his website. Go and check it out, its worth the read believe me.

www.tuckermax.com

Basebrawl

Tampa Bay Vs Boston Red Sox baseball brawl



TAMPA Bay and the Boston Red Sox have always been fierce rivals, but their hate for one another reached new heights today.

When Tampa Bay starting pitcher James Shields hit Coco Crisp with a pitch in the second inning, it first appeared Crisp might just go to first base - as the rules state.

Instead, Crisp dropped his bat and charged the mound.

He dodged Shields' punch (rotating pic no. 1) and then hit Shields before being taken down by catcher Dioner Navarro.

Tampa’s Jonny Gomes then got in a few shots on Crisp (rotating pic no. 2), before both dugouts emptied and a melee erupted (rotating pic no. 3).




I hate baseball but I like brawls. I wish we could get away with this stuff in rugby.

Mother of the fucking Year

Woman Accused Of Being Drunk, Letting Toddler Drive

GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Ohio -- While a designated driver is a good idea if you've been drinking, Goshen Township police said one woman's driver was a bit too young.

An officer said he pulled over Marya Green at the intersection of Buddy Lane and Park Avenue at the Green Acres Mobile Home Park on June 3.

The officer said that when he came to the driver's window, he found that Green's 1-year-old son was at the wheel, sitting in Green's lap.

Green, 29, registered a .11 percent blood-alcohol level. Two other children, ages 8 and 5, were also in the car.Green was arrested and faces charges of DUI, driving under OVI suspension, noncompliance, and endangering children.Police said this is Green's third DUI arrest in six years.The children were released to their father, police said.

Riding my bike

I just bought a bike and I hope this guy is off the road now.



Drug driver ploughs into cyclists in Mexico
June 03, 2008 08:50am
A HORRIFYING photogrpah has emerged showing the instant an American driver high on cocaine ploughed into a group of Mexican cyclists, killing one.

Jesse Campos, 29, was arrested after hitting the cyclists, who were competing in the third annual Matamoros-Bagdad Cycling Tour, as he tried to overtake their police escort on Sunday.

US rider Alejandro Alvarez, 30, was killed while five others - including a 14-year-old - remain in a critical condition in hospital.

Authorities told Mexican media that Campos admitted to using cocaine before the accident.

Best Magician Ever !!!

How the times have changed

Megan Fox Topless

At last, proof there is a God!

For those of you who have been living in a coma, Megan Fox is the honey from the movie Transformers.

And if this one photo of her isn't enough there's more to be found at egotastic.

Damn this girl is hot!

P.S. Love the GT stripe.

The Wisdom of Homer

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Homer: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. (Makes sound effects and laughs.) Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T...

Homer: Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded!